One of the things that keeps popping up in my life, and in the lives of this wonderful sisterhood I’ve got going on, is how to deal with positive changes that aren’t reaping the results that you want.

As much as I’d like to tell you that if you are positive and happy, things will go your way, it’s not that black and white. When you make the commitment to change, to try to be a different person, there’s always this huge upheaval, this descent into chaos before things straighten out and begin to fall into place.

A lot of the time it gets worse before it gets better.

When I first started this journey I wanted radical transformation like that *snaps fingers*. I wanted a cause and effect reaction. I wanted for A + B = C and it just doesn’t, not when we’re talking big life changes. It’s a process, a very long, and a very trying process.

I made the decision to work on my anger. I made the decision to try to communicate with my loved ones effectively. I made the decision to work on my issues instead of letting them control me. For each and every one of those decisions, I suffered. There are always consequences.

I lost my best friend and one of my biggest confidants. I had another friend who decided that what I was doing was absolutely hilarious and she made fun of me behind my back at every opportunity. I haven’t talked to my sister since Christmas of last year because she was always treading on my boundaries. I was taken advantage of because I thought that I had to be a “nice” person and give people money even when it came back to bite me in the ass. I felt like no one understood what I was doing and I was just coming off as this big uber confused, grasping-at-straws, quarter-life-crisis, joke who had no idea what she was doing.

The thing of it is, all of it was worth it.

I’ve spent days being heartbroken, in tears, feeling lost, feeling sad, feeling alone, wondering why I even bothered. I looked at my life and I felt like while it wasn’t happy or perfect as “old me” I had friends and family, I was oblivious to a lot of things, everything was easier to handle because I just didn’t know better. I didn’t believe I had options, I didn’t believe that I could change or that I was meant to change or that I could ask anyone to treat me any better than they did. Ignorance was bliss. However, there was something missing. Something so important, something that once you grab hold of it with both hands you realize there is no other way.

My sense of self. Paid for in heartache and dark moments, in brokenness and pain, and so unbelievably worth it. 

What I have learned about myself has been priceless. I wouldn’t give up this love and respect for myself for anything. For the first time in my life, I truly know myself. I have opinions and passions, I have boundaries, I have dreams and goals. I make magic, and at the end of the day, all of the birthing pains were worth it. There’s this song that I love to listen to when I am having those moments of doubt. It just resonates deeply with me, as music always does.

If this is redemption, why do I bother at all 
There’s nothing to mention, and nothing has changed 
Still I’d rather be working at something, than praying for the rain 

That’s what it boils down to, even when things aren’t going my way and it feels like nothing is better, I’d rather keep trying than to give up, because even in those moments, I know that I am working for something beautiful, something that pays off in little moments, and that will ultimately pay off in the end.

So what has put me in this contemplative mood you ask? 

My former best friend, the first casualty of “new me” celebrated her big 30th birthday and I felt myself feeling like I was missing out. We text a few times a month, about the tv show Dexter, about funny pictures or baby animal cuteness, about things that mean nothing. It’s never going to be the same, it’s never going to be like it was. She’s never going to see me for me, and honestly when you get right down to it, she’s never going to like me for me, not this me.

It’s so difficult to accept that. It’s so difficult to have unconditional love for someone and then realize that you don’t measure up to them and you never will. That she still gravitates to the same kind of people, the kind that I used to be. The more I fix myself, the farther I get from anything that she would ever like about me. How’s that for messed up? It’s discouraging, saddening, and maddeningly frustrating.

The thing about it all, is that I realize that it’s for the best. Am I better off without this friendship as it used to be? Yes I am, but that doesn’t stop me from wishing that I didn’t have to let go of things that mattered to make space for the good things, the happy things.

Growth means letting go.

When things feel all sucky, and you are trying your hardest to trudge through it with a smile on your face… keep trying. Don’t give up. Don’t let the fear that it will never get better keep you prisoner. You won’t get anywhere unless you try, just keep moving in the right direction, one step at a time, and you’ll get somewhere better.

  • Is there a single part of this post that didn't resonate with me?!  This is EXACTLY where I am right now in my own path.  The chaos before the calm, wondering if it is worth, if I am worth it.  I have the friend(s) who don't get OR respect it and talk smack behind my back.  But that's okay because what I am losing there?  People who respect me so much that they laugh at my need for change?  Not really what I am looking for in a friend.  

    I think I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, though.  I think it is too easy, when on a path like this, to raise your expectations TOO high.  Then, when you have a bad time, it seems even worse.  

    Thank you for this post!

  • "Growth means letting go."
    is a great truth. This summer, I stopped friendship too, and since then my life started to flow. Probably was not good for me, though not suiccedeva anything special.

  • How did you know I was going through exactly this, Dominee? 😉 It's such a frustrating place to be, and I find myself doubting that I've really changed because shouldn't there be (good) external changes by now if I have?! I really can't hear and read enough that this spot is normal and not at all a sign that I'm "doing it wrong" because oy! it's wearying. As much as I'm delighted by the changes I've made, and as much as I made them for no external rewards, I wasn't really expecting to have to let go of quite so much and in this spot, it feels like I'm being punished for growing. Which I know isn't true, but it's reassuring to read about other people's shifts as I go through my own. Thank you!

  • What a beautiful article Dominee. Thank you for sharing something so personal – what an inspiration you are.

  • What you are saying is just what I have been dealing with myself.  Doubting myself and thinking I am somehow missing something along the way that is making me not see the rewards that I somehow thought I should be seeing.  I think I expect too much too soon.  I didn't realize I was going to have to let go of so much, you know?

  • Yes, well, you nailed it, goddess. "…wishing that I didn't have to let go of things that mattered to make space for the good things, the happy things…"

    I have relationships, too, that didn't make it as I changed, and continue to change into the woman I am meant to be.

    Bless you for your honesty.

    Love!
    Sue

  • Sibylle

    When I first joined a Network Marketing company 10 years ago (I still use that company's products, and sell them to some friends who use them, but I'm not actively working on the business anymore), my sister wasn't in a good place financially and I really, truly thought we could be the dynamic sister duo and earn a lot of money together. She resisted, and a few years ago threw at my head that I "only wanted to make money out of" her.

    That kind of thing hurts so much, it's really hard to be all detached and spiritual about it. It fecking HURTS.

    But like you, I have long realised that it is still so worth it, this journey of self evolvement and abundance and joy that for me began with Network Marketing.

    When I think of those I've lost and feel a little gloomy, I remind myself of the wonderful friends I've FOUND, and I am deeply grateful for them. Some of them are in my "real" life right around the corner, and others, like you, are further away and therefore "online" but no less precious <3

    Much love and blessings!
    Sibylle

  • Laurie

    As usual you have managed to say what i needed to hear right when i needed to hear it. Bless your Heart!

  • Samantha Jenkins

    I HEAR ya! Yes, I know this path Dominee …oh, so well. And it is worth it, but it is also hard to let go too. I've had exactly the same thing happen with a friend recently …I know the friendship no longer serves me (and perhaps never did, not really) …but it seems a selfish attitude, and I wonder if I should just compromise, and I wrestle with being kinder. But deep in my heart it just feels wrong, because ultimately I have learnt that i can not trust this friend, so where can I really go with that if I am true to and kind to myself? This path is not straightforward, and it is not all love and light …there are hard truths and lessons along the way, and your honesty helps me know that I am not alone in that. Thanks for sharing.

  • Nicola

    what a beautiful and honest post Dominee..thank you

  • super honest post, I've shared your experience and have now come to realize its growth and that the painful part is the falling away of our old beliefs of how it was, how we were , who we were and the creation , confusion of who we truly are – an internal battle ensues – as the old & new …. fight it out trying to convince us that they are the best choice. designing our lives, creating boundaries , resisting attachments to people and things is an ongoing journey of learning. Losing a close friend who we love and have that bond with can be difficult. I've used forgiveness techniques to release/forgive the other person and myself with love. it opens the door for other to walk in
    Beautiful thank you for your wisdom

  • No one would ever believe that you are the age you are – you have such incredible wisdom, and share so transparently. Thank you for sharing so generously.

  • Lady

    Thank you for this post. It is exactly where I'm at in my life. I was literally thinking about this, this morning. 

  • thank you for sharing being open and honest this is what the world needs love and compassion of self even when its painful Blessings

  • Oh man I hear ya!  This post brought a lump to my throat!  Back when it was all 'easier' my soul was dying and my heart was breaking and I didn't know why.  Now, my soul is alive, and I know why my heart is breaking.  It sometimes sucks, but overall it's a thousand times better – and each turn of the wheel makes it a little easier to let go of something that isn't working and have my heart break a little even as a weight is lifted off my shoulders.  Beautiful post Dominee!  xx

  • Alison Fordham

    Beautif

  •  Whoops! Beautiful post Dominee. Exactly what I need to hear. Apparently my guide at the moment is cheering me on with strength to get through this part of my life of LETTING GO. I do love seeing what amazing new things I am making room for but it doesn't mean there isn't sadness at things that are gone/in the process of going. Thank you for sharing so honestly…as always. Much love xxxx

  • Thank you for this…sounds so much like my journey the last couple of years..yes I have lost my son due to the new me…having to rethink everything…I am beginning to love the new me and take time for me..as you say I keep taking it step by step…as the journey continues.

  • When I read this post, I felt great sympathy/empathy and the desire to cheer and encourage you ~ like many who commented below, I went through this transformation~ the old falls away, and it MUST, to make space for your new wings! And you're being very brave to continue with this process, even through the growing pains of it.

    I can promise, though, that as your self-love deepens and becomes more integral, simply a part of you so deeply ingrained it's like the color of your eyes or the life-light in your cells, that it won't hurt anymore, when people criticize you or reject you (it's also easier to let them stay out of your life! I find I can love them from a distance~ I truly don't need any one other person in my life in order to be happy).
    Their negative opinions don't matter as much as your own integrity and happiness as a person, and your deepening self-love will begin to see that fully! Your sadness will lessen greatly, and you'll be FREEEEE! Negative energy just doesn't matter so much, when you're deeply enmeshed in the positive flow of Love!

    I actually assumed that everyone would turn away from me, as I became more authentically me, but as it turned out, I don't think many were terribly surprised by my new path, I found I could ignore negative opinions better than I thought I would~ and I even found that an aunt has been quietly doing this stuff, too! I ADORE my new friends, with their happy attitudes and their focus on love! I can do without the negative energy of old friends, even family members, I can still love them, I can accept them and their opinion of me.
    And I'd faaaaar rather live like this than try to go back to the old way!!