Single Lady Loneliness and Aloneness


Hello you beautiful person you.
I’m on vacation from the retail job right now and there’s one thing that always crops up for me around this time: aloneness vs. loneliness.

You should know that I’m a bit of a hermit. I rarely go out and I’m very selective about who I hang out with. I am the definition of a homebody and I’m fine with that. I think it’s why the Goddess Hestia and I mesh so well.

I get a good amount of social time and friend time at the retail job so when I go on vacation it’s usually just me, myself, and I. That’s when the battle of aloneness vs. loneliness comes into play.

Aloneness is when you are alone and you don’t mind. 

You laugh aloud while reading in bed and you yell at book characters and there’s no one to mind. You dance to the kitchen, naked, while singing a made up song, and it’s cool. You get the whole bed to yourself and you wake up in strange positions. You can order a pizza with just olives and mushrooms because it’s your favorite and no one else’s opinion matters. You can also watch as many episodes of Golden Girls while wearing your comfiest pjs and that’s the norm. You can go to the bookstore for books and coffee and stay as long as you want. You can go to the movies and see whatever you want and eat popcorn and you don’t have to share.

Aloneness is wonderful, it’s soothing, it lets you be comfortable with who you are, in your own skin.

Loneliness is the evil twin, maybe not so evil, maybe just the sadder version.

Loneliness is when being alone doesn’t feel good. You feel like something is missing, you feel a lack of connectedness with yourself or with others. Being alone feels like a burden and you have no one to share it with. The aloneness suddenly makes you feel isolated from everyone else. It’s usually accompanied by Depression. Loneliness really sucks. There’s really not much of a difference between aloneness and loneliness other than your state of mind and what you do with it.

In these times that I am alone a lot I become aware of loneliness lurking in the corners. I reach out and have a chat with someone, or ask my best friend to go out for lunch. Being alone is okay. Being not-alone is okay too. Oftentimes we allow ourselves to be lonely when we don’t have to be. We can call our friends or family and ask them to come over or go out, and we can also see the blessing of being alone and learn to find the pleasure in it.

Do you tend to feel aloneness or loneliness? Is there a difference between the two for you?

  • Lovely article! It highlights how healing aloneness can be, and how important it is for people to embrace that.

    I'm a Hermit, too, and I love my solitude. But I also understand how people can feel lonely when they are not used to being alone for a while, especially after a relationship has broken down. They are then desperately trying to fill the gap with someone else. But I've seen often enough that nothing can be achieved when you're desperate. Once solitude has been embraced as a time to heal and grow, new people just flow into your life naturally.

  • Donna

    I tend to feel aloneness – I am a dyed in the wool hermit myself! And I love spending time alone, I love the freedom, I love my company. If I get too much of it though, it moves into loneliness…which sucks! I'm grateful that I'm comfortable being alone – I know people who cannot spend any time alone, and that's a shame. x

  • Bethwyn Walker

    Oh this is so wonderful!! As someone with a chronic illness and who tends to identify more with introverts than extroverts, I often come up against the idea that if I'm alone a lot I MUST be feeling lonely. No no no! I LOVE and RELISH time to myself. I'm lucky that I have a partner that also understands this, but even if I didn't, I think I would stand up for aloneness!
    Awesome post, thank you! <3

  • Alison Joy

    Hi Dominee, I hope your week is going really well. I love being alone but there is a fine line for me between alone and lonely and it often surprises me with the intensity. Thanks for the post and I really enjoyed the video. xxx

  • HowVeryTrue

    life really sucks for us good straight guys since it is very hard to meet a real good woman today. then again, there are many women that are gay which adds to the problem.

  • justtora

    Hi. I am alone, well not alone alone, but I have been a single parent for 7.5 years now. For the first couple of years the loneliness was almost killing me. I made "friends" with people just so I didn't have to be alone. There was this huge, empty hole in my heart and soul. Now I have learned to not just like, but to love being in my own company. I can do the undies dance in my living room, I can read and meditate for yonks without being disturbed, I can watch three episodes in a row of a bad television series without having to change the channel or argue about it and I can fart without embarrassment;-) Of course I get these pangs of loneliness when I get thinking about "aloneness", but I don't feel the need to have grown up contact with just anyone, I choose to talk to and hang out with a few, but very dear friends. Alone can be so good. I am so happy I have learned to appreciate it! The calmness one feels when one is happily alone is so unique and important. I also love how your post made me think this over and write this. thank you. You're awesome and what you do is great!

  • Jim

    Well i can tell you this, Loneliness certainly sucks after a Divorce.