I remember the summer of 2004 well. Alanis Morissette’s latest album So-Called Chaos had just been released and it was perpetually playing in my walkman.

That was a pretty bad time for me.

Days after graduating high school, my family and I picked up and moved across the country.

The stress and upheaval of the move devastated me and triggered my stress and depression in a horrible way.

I became borderline agoraphobic. I was in a new state with no friends and living with my family who I wasn’t on good terms with. I didn’t think I was smart enough to go to college and The Depression stripped me of any drive or desire to try. The thought of getting my first ever job crippled me with even more stress and anxiety.

In the two years after the move I rarely left the house. Eventually, I started taking short walks around the block, Alanis Morissette blaring in my ears. I fell head over heels in love with her song “Everything”.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I’m ashamed
There’s not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

I remember thinking with my whole entire heart that I wanted someone to love me. To save me from the despair that I was feeling, to make me feel better. I wanted someone to love me even though I felt like a completely ‘effed up mess of a human being. That song was my lifeline of what my life could be like if only someone would find me worth loving.

Fast forward nine years!

A few days ago, my mp3 player bit the dust and as I was adding music to my new one, I realized there were tons of songs I hadn’t listened to in years. 
I heard the song again.

And I had that moment.

A moment.
Where everything just stops and you get smacked upside the head with a 2×4 of wowage. The song took on a whole new meaning and it was one of those moments when you feel like bursting into tears because it is so perfect and real and you realizing that something amazing has been unearthed within you.
That song is about how I feel about myself. How unconditionally I love myself. It never falters. I have realized that I am never leaving myself to flounder in self-hate and loathing. I am here for the long run. Every single wish that I had nine years ago has manifested in the love I have found for myself.

I have a Self Love assignment for you!

What song best describes your relationship with yourself? 

Share with me and let me know what your self love song is!

  • Deanna Kimball Herrman

    My "song" is a very strange one. It's called "Das Leid Vom Enesamen Madchen" and it is all in German. It translates to "The Song of the Lonely Girl" and almost the whole thing is about a person who has really let herself grow very cold. But the very last two lines are "Then he called: “Poor child, come, You shall never be lonely again” which to me represents my ability to finally find Divine love within and to stop looking "outside myself". Speaking of THAT, I am reminded of one of my most favorite lines from Alanis' album before "So Called Chaos", the "Under Rug Swept" with the song "Precious Illusions" : "But this won't work as well as the way it once did
    'Cause I want to decide between survival and bliss
    And though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am". I remember when So Called Chaos came out too. I listened to it daily on my drive to and from a job I really really hated. It was the beginning of a transition period in my life as well, my first pregnancy and the beginning of the death of a marriage.

  • Wendy Fedan

    I love your song!
    I'm having a hard time choosing between "A Moment Like This" and "I Hope You Dance." Both perhaps overplayed on the radio in the past, but I try not to let that jade me when I am lucky enough to catch them on the radio.