Saying No – The Self-Love Test


One of the ways we are able to see how much we love ourselves is by whether or not we can say “no” to other people.
No, when you don’t want to do something.
No, when someone makes you uncomfortable.
No, when someone treats you in a way you don’t want to be treated.

Is that something you do easily?

When you are able to say “no” to other people it means that you are putting yourself first, you may even feel selfish, but you know what it really is? Creating clear, consistent, boundaries and loving yourself and that is necessary for living a happy life.

It took me a very long time to be able to say no to other people. I always felt like I was letting them down. I felt like I was being rude, that I was a terrible person, I can’t tell you the number of uncomfortable situations I put myself in, the number of times I overextended myself, and the number of times I made myself miserable by not being able to say “no”.

I think about all of the hours I wasted on people I didn’t like but spent time anyway because it was polite.

I think about all of the times I was so anxious or uncomfortable that I wanted to sink into the floor because I went out when my Introvert Levels were low.

I think of all of the times I was treated badly by people and played it off as a joke because it was so hard to say “No, that’s not okay.”

I have loaned people money knowing that they wouldn’t pay me back but not knowing how to say no without coming off as a huge uncaring asshat. I’ve gone out to bars even though it wasn’t my thing and I was uncomfortable the entire time, just because I wanted others to feel like I cared about their friendship enough to do it. “No” was a really small part of my vocabulary. Then I learned something.

My needs matter. YOUR needs matter.

It is our job to take care of our needs. It is not your job to take care of everyone else’s needs. You have to give to yourself, you have to nurture yourself, and when those things are laid to the wayside by someone else’s wants and needs it is time to re-evaluate your boundaries.

When someone asks you to do something tune into your intuition. What does your gut say? What is your first instinct? Go with that, that is listening to the truth of your heart. What does your body say? Are you extra tired or stressed out? Even if it’s something you want to do, maybe it’s time to take your body’s side this time and bow out so that you have extra time for yourself to rest and relax.

You have to learn how to say no.

Remember that you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone, but honesty is the best policy. Work on saying “no” and saying it right away. If someone asks you to help them out with something and you don’t know how to say no, don’t say you’ll think about it. Chances are you’re going to feel guilty about making them wait for an answer so you’re just going to say yes anyway, even though you really don’t want to.

I try to do it with as much love and compassion as I can. As part of Blessing Manifesting I get asked to do things all of the time. I get asked to work on joint projects, to do guest posts, to submit things for magazines, to do interviews, and just in case you haven’t noticed, I don’t do those things very often. I’m more self-contained than your average person and that’s okay. I’d love to put myself out there, but at the end of the, day I know that I only have so much energy for business stuff and when I add extra stuff – I get burnt out really easily. Even though I love those people that think of me, I love them for wanting me, and believing in me, I still have to say no.

It really sucks. I feel bad when I do it, but not as bad as I know I’d feel if I was stressed out trying to meet a deadline, or adding more time into my already I-work-two-jobs schedule, or suffering from burn-out and not wanting to write anything, or how disappointed I would feel putting my own plans on the backburner so that I could do something for someone else.

What things are you doing that you don’t want to do? How can you say “no” to those kinds of things in the future?

 

  • I've always been a people-pleaser and I'm still terrible at saying no. I end up taking on more projects than I can physically do, and get paid cheap or even nothing for it. My personal art gets neglected, and it makes me feel miserable and as if I'm constantly postponing my artistic career because of things that really don't matter to me.
    I'm aware of this problem at least, but the doing part still eludes me.

  • Maria Wilson

    I think that the above advice is great. It has taken a long while for me to begin to say no to people, however I can do it now by explaining why I am saying no. I really think about what is asked and sincerely think 1 do I want to do it 2 can I 3 will it be stopping me from doing what I need to do for myself

  • This is literally the most empowering thing any woman can learn. No. Just no. Yep, it can be tough (it was for me), but when I learned to do it, my life changed drastically–for the good!

  • Jonita Dsouza

    This is right on point! I have practising ‘NO’ for sometime now and it is liberating to get out of the ‘obligation-mindset’ as I like to say. One of my mentors used to say that in order to be true to yourself we need to learn to say ‘No’ to people around you and it totally makes sense. Keep spreading the good message. 🙂