Have you ever felt like your life isn’t quite right? It’s like a picture you’ve hung up on the wall only to see it’s the tiniest bit crooked. Something just feels off. Of course you have, you’re human. We’ve all had that feeling of off-ness that we just can’t put out finger on. I was having that feeling last week.
Depression wasn’t quite the word for it, and neither was feeling in a funk.
It wasn’t quite discontent either.
I just felt off.
I tried to distract myself but that feeling persisted and I spent the whole day feeling off. Rolling that feeling over in my hands and then realizing that it’s been lurking in the background for awhile.
So I decided to step out of the everyday solutions and I created a ritual to realign myself because that was exactly what I felt was wrong. I wasn’t feeling inline with myself, my purpose, or my life, and I wanted that to change. I wanted to reconnect. So I did the work, in my own way.
How often do we bury our heads in the sand, waiting for problems and feelings to go away? Sometimes we become so used to feeling those things that we forget that they are problems, like a pain we’ve learned to live with and ignore.
First I took a bath, full of epsom salt and my favorite essential oil. I sat down in the warm water, letting it wash over me, feeling safe and submerged. I listened to my favorite Goddess meditations, connecting with the goddess of love and the Mother. The Mother Goddess meditation is great for reconnection and for being reminded that you are part of the earth and its a part of you. It’s super helpful for times of loneliness. The meditation for the goddess of love has you meeting Aphrodite and opening your heart.
“Feel yourself be loved as if never before. Then ask your heart to open and respond.”
And I realized I so deeply needed that, to open my heart to everything that I was feeling there in the moment.
When that was over, I dressed in fresh clothing, feeling completely relaxed and blissed out.
I went outside and sat at my little nature altar with my journal and my (current) favorite deck of oracle cards, the Journey Oracle.
I pulled a card for myself. The fragile thread. Realizing how fragile things are. And realizing how fragile I can sometimes be.
I sat there, deeply connected to the moment.
Just thinking and mulling that message over in my mind. Discussing with myself how it related to that feeling of being misaligned. I realized that in the last few weeks I have been feeling a bit fragile, and to cope with that, instead of feeling those feels, I’d tried to harden my heart a little bit, and that was the source of the disconnect.
Even when you think you’re only closing yourself off to one thing, it can have a trickle effect. That hardness can bleed over into other aspects of your life.
I let the sun shine on me. I took deep breaths. I let myself feel those things that I had been holding back. Those truths that I didn’t want to face.
I let it all wash over me.
Taking deep breaths, feeling the wind in my hair, hearing the sounds of nature all around me.
I let myself notice the little things and the fragile things.
And then I wrote.
I wrote with my whole heart wide open. All of those things that had been previously bothering me? They came out real and tangible on paper and they began to work themselves out. And I felt myself soften even more. I played with ideas on how to fix those things, how to put into action what those feelings were asking of me. And then I felt like me again and my life felt like mine.
It’s been almost a week and I feel like such a weight has been lifted from me.