The Three Things: Fixing My Character Flaws

fixing my character flaws

I’ve been on this self-improvement journey for almost a year now. I am learning so many things about myself – both good things and bad things. Last night I was thinking about changes, more specifically, the changes that I see in myself. It has been such a long road for me. At the end of last year, my life was a complete and absolute mess. Everything was wrong, I wasn’t happy with anything, and every part of my life was affected by that. I was depressed, I was miserable, and I didn’t really like myself. There were so many things “wrong” with me that I didn’t know how to go about fixing them.

So I asked for help fixing my character flaws.fixing my character flaws

I went to one of my friends and I asked him to tell me the three things that were most “wrong” with me, the things I needed to work on to be a better person. In my head I had such a long list that it was overwhelming to me.

Three things seemed manageable, three I could do. I got an answer. I needed to stop holding grudges, I needed to stop punishing people, and I needed to control my anger. (Secretly the answer I wanted was “you are perfect just how you are” but honesty was so much better.)

So nine months later this is where I am. The day after we had this conversation I sat down and I made a list of names and all of the grudges I was holding against those people. It was two pages long. I’m not kidding. Some of them were little things that I refused to forget, some of it was things that happened a decade before, but it was all resentment. I was carrying around so much anger and bitterness and I realized for the first time in my life how much. It was absolutely shocking to me.

I worked on letting it go.

Today if I were to recreate that list it would involve one person and a handful of grudges. Nowhere near the two pages of nine months ago. I learned that 99% of grudges aren’t worth the energy involved to keep them.

Secondly, punishing people which goes hand in hand with the third, which is my anger. When I used to get mad I handled it like this, I was passive aggressive and if you confronted me I would blow up on you. I found myself turning into a verbal abuser. I would say things specifically to cause hurt to someone. I’d be cruel, I would attempt to tear people down and damage their self-esteem, combine that with my grudge-holding and I could be one terrible person to you.

I’d throw things in your face six months later just because I could. (Those freaking grudges)

I feel ashamed right now writing about it, but I’m telling myself that this is my truth and I’m not that person anymore. Pride not shame.

I feel like I have healed in so many ways just by concentrating on those three things. Confronting the fact that I would verbally abuse others made me deal with my issues of my self-esteem. Dealing with my anger showed me that a lot of those feelings were just hurt that I didn’t know how to deal with.

A long nine months, but I feel better, I feel more “whole” than I’ve felt in a long time. It has been so long since I said something mean or hateful and I do not miss that part of myself. I’ve worked on forgiving myself for being the person that I used to be. Asking someone for help isn’t a bad thing, that one question, “What three things do I need to work on within myself?” and the answer, completely changed my life.

I am proof that you can change.

You can become better, greater, than what you ever thought you could be.

It just takes a little bit of work, all good things in life do.

 

7 Comments

  1. Sibylle
    August 1, 2012 / 6:20 pm

    Oh, sweet Dominee. What an enormous amount of strength and willingness to change it must have taken to let go of these destructive patterns! I admire you so much for this.

    Ultimately, I think it was self-love that won. Because as the saying goes: "Holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die". These negative feelings were poisoning YOU, not them. Blowing up at someone hurts them, saying hurtful things does too, but ultimately they can walk away from you. You can't walk away from yourself, you had to live with the negativity every day. And then it got too much, and you stopped.

    And look what a shining light of love you are now!

    Big hugs from
    da hag (Sibylle) <3

  2. Andrea
    August 1, 2012 / 9:42 pm

    Word! thanks for your honesty. Keep up the good work! And it is work isn't it?!? :)

  3. Sellica
    August 2, 2012 / 12:03 am

    Thank you for sharing! I too had noticed some verbal abuse coming from me, towards my ex, and realizing this was very humbling. I had a victim mentality at times, and was in denial about the hurt I could cause to the one I loved the most. You are so very special, Dominee, I love to read this blog. :)

  4. Dominee
    August 6, 2012 / 2:21 am

    Thank you Sellica, I am glad that sharing my story has been helpful. None of us are perfect and I love the quote "When you know better, you do better." It's so true!

  5. Dominee
    August 6, 2012 / 2:21 am

    Yes it is! Thank you for your support darling!

  6. Dominee
    August 6, 2012 / 2:23 am

    So much truth!! It was self-destructive behavior and all of that was a symptom of not loving and respecting myself. I am so glad that I saw the truth of my actions, and not only that, but found the willingness to change and be better.

  7. October 19, 2012 / 3:50 am

    We none of us are perfect, but you did the right thing by tackling your issues head on and not succumbing to just being miserable. Good for you for admitting it – you should have no shame, you should be plenty proud of yourself, it's a huge step just to admit what your issues were, but to have DEALT with them, well hold your head up high gorgeous!

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