Stop Being At War With Your Past

war with your past
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Jamie Ridler is sharing another prompt with us today. She asks us “What or whom do you wish to make peace with.” I had to think on this for a little bit because I realized that there is a lot of stuff hanging around in my head and heart that I need to make peace with. There are so many mistakes I’ve made as a human being. So many things that I wish I could undo.

There’s a voice inside that whispers:

Stop being at war with your past.

Make peace with yourself. The me from seven years ago. I still carry her with me sometimes and I realize that it is time to make peace with her and let her go.

When I was 19 I had my very first relationship, he also happened to be married. That whole situation, all two years’ worth, defined me for a very long time. It defined how other people thought of me. It defined how I thought of myself, felt about myself, talked to myself.

I carried (carry) around a lot of guilt and anger, but more than that, I used it as an excuse. I used it as proof that no one was ever going to really love me. That I was not worth anything. It ‘proved’ once and for all that I was worthless, stupid, naive, gullible, broken, fat, ugly, and weak. So many times I laid on the floor sobbing just wanting to disappear.

I was in pain.

war with your pastI get that now. That was the source of all of those feelings. I just wanted to be loved so I let myself believe words and promises that anyone else would have rolled their eyes at because there was an emptiness in my heart that someone was offering to fill for the first time in my entire life. This person was going to be a magic wand that would erase every time I felt abandoned as a kid. That’s what happens when you don’t love yourself.

You seek love like someone who is starving. Anyone, anything, just to make you feel the tiniest bit better about who you are.

We make terrible decisions when we’re in pain, even when we can’t yet point a finger at it and identify the source. Being able to see that, acknowledge why it happened. That’s part of healing. Finding understanding and compassion is part of healing.

Doing bad things doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t mean you have to wear that scarlet ‘A’ on your chest for the entirety of your life.

You’re allowed, I’m allowed, to put it firmly in the past and move on.

I still carry all of that with me. I still feel a lot of shame and I look back at that time and I feel so angry with myself that my experience of “first love” is so filled with pain. It’s been five years and I still carry shadows of it with me. I still spend time wishing I could go back and change things.

It happened. It’s over. It’s time to let go. The past doesn’t define me.

I’m learning to love myself so that I don’t blindly accept the love others try to give me. I am a work in progress.

I wish to make peace with that.

16 Comments

  1. Avatar January 4, 2012 / 9:17 am

    Oh yes… Letting go!!!
    Just imagine, how wonderful that will feel *hugs*
    As you wish for yourself, I wish for you as well. <3

  2. Avatar January 4, 2012 / 9:36 am

    I so hear you on that, wonderful wish Dominee!
    As you wish for yourself, so I wish for you also :)

  3. Avatar January 4, 2012 / 12:45 pm

    As you wish so I wish for you. Seems like a lot of us need to make peace with ourselves.

  4. Avatar January 4, 2012 / 1:15 pm

    Oh yes, make peace with yourself over this. As Dominee wishes for ehrself, so I wish for her also.

  5. Avatar January 4, 2012 / 2:24 pm

    What a powerful wish. Forgive yourself, and don't carry this with you any longer. It takes two to tango, and you should not wear the guilt for what happened. As you wish for yourself, so I also wish for you.

  6. Avatar January 4, 2012 / 4:25 pm

    You are beautiful and deserve love and be loved. As you wish for yourself, I lovingly wish for you as well.

  7. Avatar January 4, 2012 / 4:29 pm

    Let go … let love bloom. Wishing for you as you wish for yourself i urge you to visit http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0 and hear more about "shame" why we keep hold of it and how we can let that go and live wholly holy lives.

  8. Avatar January 4, 2012 / 5:11 pm

    Letting go, very necessary. As you wish for yourself, I wish also for you.

  9. Avatar January 4, 2012 / 5:27 pm

    When we know better, we do better, and without the failures, the mistakes, we'd never learn anything. I, myself, make at least one spectacular flub per day, and I am getting oh so wise because of it! :) Forgive yourself and let it go, begin again. What a great wish, and from the deepest, wisest part of my heart wish this for you. As you wish for yourself, I wish for you as well.

  10. Avatar January 4, 2012 / 6:10 pm

    ((HUGS)) As you wish for yourself, so I wish for you also.

  11. Avatar January 4, 2012 / 7:55 pm

    such a deep, brave sharing. You have learned this lesson, as I see you eminating nothing but love! As you wish for yourself, so I wish for you as well.

  12. Avatar
    Dionne the Tea Priestess
    January 4, 2012 / 1:50 pm

    What a huge lesson you had! I find it hard to let go of something when I haven't gotten all the nuggets of wisdom my soul is wanting me to get. As you wish to make peace with yourself, so I wish for you as well.

  13. Avatar January 5, 2012 / 1:35 am

    So brave of you to share your story. We are so much more than the mistakes we make. I hope you can forgive yourself and find the peace you need with this situation. As you wish for yourself so I wish for you also.

  14. Avatar January 5, 2012 / 5:10 pm

    Forgive yourself and let it go! As you wish for yourself, so I wish for you also!

  15. Avatar January 6, 2012 / 12:36 am

    Dominee,
    Such a beautiful wish! Heartfelt, one I can feel. Thank you for sharing so openly! As you wish for yourself, so I too wish as well:)

  16. Avatar
    Camilla
    January 7, 2012 / 12:22 pm

    Oh, dear one, don't beat yourself up over a youthful mistake. I have done that too, and it leads to so much pain. It is time to make peace and move past.

    As you wish for yourself, so I wish for you also.

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