Sacred Journey: May 18th

Sacred Journey: May 18th
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Good morning my blossoms.

Last week I realized that this is my heart-work. Blessing Manifesting is not just a place for me to talk about my life. It is a place for us to share with each other. You and me. Our tribe, our family. When you get down to it, we’re all in this together.


Today I create this sacred space, where you can share with me. Share with me what you are working on, physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. 

Share with me the things that you are in love with. Share with me the things you’re figuring out, wishing for, and hope to be. I would love that. You can also share anonymously. You do have to put in your email address but I can’t see it so no one will ever know. You can read last week’s here.

Gentle sharing, with no judgement. Just lots of hugs and hand holding.

I also want to share more personal thoughts with you here, each Friday. I’m not perfect, I know this, and I’m sure you know this too, but I want you to witness those things, my wisdom and my flaws. My thoughts and imperfections. I don’t want to just reflect on lessons of the past, but wisdom I am learning at this moment.

Something that I’ve been mulling over sharing is about my biological father. I’ve mentioned it a few times in posts but never spoken out right about it because it’s something that is still incredibly close to my heart and I feel shame about talking about it because I never felt comfortable enough to talk about it.
I’m biracial. My mother is white and my father is black. By the time I was born my mother had already married someone else who was also white. I then had two siblings who were white. At some point when I was six or seven, my mother told me that my father wasn’t my biological father. I don’t remember her telling me, but I always knew that I didn’t fit in. People would ask me why I was a different color. I remember telling other children on the playground that I had got very sunburned one summer and I had a permanent tan. I always felt ashamed by the fact that I was different. I felt ashamed that I had never even met my biological father.
People would always ask me if I was adopted or if I was a step child, and this reinforced my feeling that I didn’t fit in.

If other people could see that I didn’t fit in, then plainly I didn’t.

My Mom and Dad got divorced and at one point I found out that he wasn’t paying child support for me, even though his name was on my birth certificate. I began to feel so guilty for any money that my struggling single mom spent on me. 
I have always struggled with feeling like I wasn’t supposed to be me and that I was an inconvenience being who I was. I discovered later in life that my Dad didn’t know that I wasn’t his child until a few years after I was born. Was that a factor in their divorce? I don’t know. I always felt like my grandparents on his side resented me. And why shouldn’t they? My mother had “trapped” their son into marriage. I felt like his whole family hated me.
I also wondered about my bio-dad. Why he never wanted visitation with me. I resented him as well. My mother had got pregnant with me when she was 19 and I found out my bio-dad had been 40 at the time. So much older, that worried me. Had he taken advantage of her? Hurt her? I still don’t know. I’ve worked up the courage a handful of times to ask my mom about him, but those are always the hardest conversations that I’ve ever had. She always says a few nice things about him. That I was meant to happen.
Two years ago I wrote my bio-dad a letter for the last time. I told myself that if he didn’t respond then I would let it go forever. Six months later I got a Christmas Card and a photograph of him. 

I had waited 25 years to see his face and when I finally did, something clicked inside of me and I knew that the journey was over.

It was too late for me to forge a bond, to get back 25 years of not knowing him. He’s almost 70 years old now. I know that I might not be able to change my mind in ten years, or twenty years, and I feel at peace with that decision.
I still struggle with how I felt growing up, and there’s still a lot of things that I haven’t dealt with. However, it has made me into the person I am today and I know that I will find those paths to healing when I need to find them. One step at a time. 

Today I ask you to walk with me for a little bit, to tell me about what’s on your mind and in your heart.

If you want to walk with me in silence, that’s okay too. I know you are here with me, and I am there with you too. A word, a sentence, your life story, it’s all okay, and it is all welcomed here, you can also post completely anonymously in the comments.

6 Comments

  1. Avatar
    Sellica
    May 18, 2012 / 4:44 pm

    How strong you sound through your vulnerability! *hug* 
    Thank you so much for sharing your pain, and your acceptance of yourself. You are so special, and I love sharing your experiences with you. 
    I am going through extreme stress at home, my husband is away for his job and our marriage is doing very poorly. There's only so many years of my being unhappy and attempting to rationalize it as my own fault before realizing that it isn't a fault thing, it is a growth thing. The situation isn't right for me anymore, and it isn't right for him. I am trusting the universe, trusting myself, and trusting my angels to help resolve this in a spirit of love and peace. There are no simple answers, but I finally realized that I want a legal separation for space, and while it rips me apart inside, it also frees something, and I see the world as holding such beauty and love regardless of what happens to our marriage. <3

  2. Avatar May 18, 2012 / 5:50 pm

    You are beautiful and brave and definitely meant to be here! 

    I have never been able to understand how someone could have a child on this planet and ignore her or him.  How is that even possible?  But it's not about you.  It's about him.  

    Your experience helps you to have more empathy and understanding for others and their struggles.

  3. Avatar
    Dominee
    May 18, 2012 / 6:30 pm

    It really does provide a beautiful source of empathy and compassion. I'm thankful for it because I was put here to do thiiiis and growing up that way molded me into the person that does thiiiis and I wouldn't have it any other way!

  4. Avatar
    Dominee
    May 18, 2012 / 6:33 pm

    Sweet, loving, hugs to you Sellica. You are so wise and beautiful for coming to the decision that you have. I have seen women who are unhappy and they make the decision to bury it and live without ever acknowledging those feelings. I love your outlook and I think you are a brave, brave, woman.

  5. Avatar
    Gin
    May 18, 2012 / 7:22 pm

    I'm sending you a big hug right now, Dominee. You definitely are meant to be here, and you're such a blessing. <3  Thank you for sharing your story here. I believe your story and your journey have helped you be strong, and loving, and have compassion for others… and these things will only continue to grow even more. Blessings to you…

  6. Avatar
    Elle Hull
    May 19, 2012 / 8:59 am

    What powerful sharing!  Thank you.  It makes me think of my first born daughter who is, like you, bi-racial.  Thing is, she always knew her dad.  She was always loved and accepted in both his family, mine as well as the husband I eventually married.  And yet, I know she struggled a lot within herself to reconcile her identity.  As her mother, it was difficult to know what to do to fix that, because as any mother, I wanted to make it all better.  But all I could do was love her as she is and hope that helped.  I'd like to think it did.  She seems to be at peace with her heritage and embraces it.  I'm glad you've found that peace too.  

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