Wishes and Why I Hate Walking Away

Wishes and Why I Hate Walking Away

I’d love for you to join the Tribe of Wishcasters! Every Wednesday we flock to our blogs, we answer a question, and then we all visit each other and leave a comment like “As you wish for yourself, so I wish for you as well.” It’s a great way to connect, to share, to find GREAT new blogs, and to bring our wishes one step closer to manifesting. So join in! Today we are asked:

What do you wish to walk away from?

Oh question how you make my brain hurt. I ran through a mental list of things that this could apply to. What first popped into my head was judgement of others, but then I realized, I’m pretty sure that I’ve allowed myself to work through a lot of those feelings. My next thought was my childhood, but there’s still lots to dig into, to work through, great big chunks of wisdom to be found. Then I realized what I need to walk away from. Something I’ve struggled with. I wish to walk away from the guilt of walking away. It all comes down to this.

“You don’t just walk away from people. You don’t just throw people away.” – Grey’s Anatomy

That’s how I’ve been conditioned to feel. I’ve been walked away from many times in my life, for no discernible reason. My biological father chose not to be a part of my life. My grandfather disappeared from my life after my grandmother died when I was eleven. Growing up, I had no close family which led me to rely very heavily on my mother. When she got into a relationship that eventually led her to get remarried, I felt like she no longer needed me. She no longer put me first, and to my teenage-self this just felt like one more person who walked away.

I don’t do well with walking away, not from people.

To me, letting someone share with you, in a deep way, and then deciding not to have them in your life is the worst thing that you can do to another human being. Forget mental and verbal abuse, forget constant fighting, forget the fact that being around them makes you miserable. You just don’t leave.

This was showcased best by my first relationship. He was married and spouted that whole I-am-leaving-as-soon-as-I-can with a dash of I-need-to-think-about-my-kid. The relationship tore me down mentally, spiritually, and physically. I was constantly lied to, he never spent time with me, there were so many broken promises, I gave him over a thousand dollars to “help” him move out which I later found out he spent on his wife’s debt. To top it off he ended up having an affair with someone else. That was the breaking point and I broke up with him. Do you know what I did after that? I tried to get back together with him, because you don’t leave people and you don’t let them leave you.

Colossal epic failure.

Funny ending to that story, he walked away from me. I learned buckets of wisdom from that situation. It showcased my lack of self-esteem and self-worth. It showed me where all of the cracks in my soul and heart were. It let me know that I had absolutely no love for myself and it ultimately set me on my current path. Yet I still couldn’t get over my hang up on letting go of people.

I’m getting better. Last year I walked away from a friendship that did nothing but hurt me and drag me down and her down. I still struggle with the guilt of walking away. I still agonize that I should have stuck with it, I regret that decision some days, and other days I pat myself on the back and say “That was growth, keep growing.”

So what this long drawn out tale is meant to say, is that

I wish to walk away from the guilt of walking away.

Sweet wishings to all of you beautiful souls.

15 Comments

  1. May 23, 2012 / 12:09 pm

    Wow, what a deep and thoughtful wish. As Dominee wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.

  2. Lorinda Fraser
    May 23, 2012 / 12:46 pm

    As Dominee wishes for herself, I wish for her also.

    I find it so hard to know when I'm 'putting up' or 'giving up'. It's not an easy one…best of luck xx

  3. Dionne Ruff-Sloan
    May 23, 2012 / 12:59 pm

    Oh beautiful sweet soul your sharing today hits me right in the Inner Critic who tells me 'you should have tried harder' on a friendship that ended nearly a year ago. Thank you for the reminder 'that was growth, keep growing'.  So healing!  As my dear Wish Sister Dominee wishes for her self so I wholeheartedly wish for her as well (and some for me too!)

  4. May 23, 2012 / 2:25 pm

    As Dominee wishes for herself, I wish for her also.
    I hear you! I've had to walk away from family relationships, friendships, jobs. I learned a lot from those experiences, but I've since healed the guilt of walking away. 

  5. Elle Hull
    May 23, 2012 / 7:29 am

    As Dominee wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.  

    You and I seem to have many things in common but from opposite perspectives. Thank you for this post.  It does make me think of my own situations.  

  6. Cindi Summerlin
    May 23, 2012 / 5:21 pm

    Wishing you self love and power.  As you wish for yourself, so I also wish for you.

  7. May 23, 2012 / 7:08 pm

    Dominee you have such beautiful honesty and such strength.  As you wish for yourself so I wish for you also x   

  8. Winter Phoebe Dawson
    May 23, 2012 / 7:08 pm

    I have always had trouble walking away from people too!  I had a toxic friendship that started when I was 13 and went all the way up to my 30s.  We had the best times and connection together, but oh how cruel we could be to each other!  My first relationship was abusive (in different ways than you described here) and it took me five years to walk from.  My first marriage (which I currently am blogging about and you commented on yesterday) was another abusive situation that took me almost 10 years to walk from.

    I didn't do a "wish" blog today, but… As Dominee wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.

  9. nadya
    May 23, 2012 / 8:17 pm

    What an AWESOME post!! I can also relate, have had my share of toxic 'involved with someone else' relationships (not usually married, but still – WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING??!) & had trouble walking away! Later, I get to the 'what did I SEE in him??' point, eventually!
    One reason: oxytocin! The 'bonding hormone,' women produce ~ 10x more than men, & it keeps us bonded even in unhealthy relationships! When we simply think about the person, we produce oxytocin, & bond more (this is what bonds us to our children!)  I know I tend to think A LOT about someone I'm in relationship with, 'good' or 'bad' – & that keeps the oxytocin flowing! Touch also increases the production.
    For men, different hormones are triggered, & a first experience involving fear of getting caught can set them up for more 'adventure' & a feeling of 'risk' being linked to desire throughout their lives! …. Fascinating stuff!!
    Oxytocin is also involved in bonding with pets – my daughter says getting a dog was one of the best things I did for myself! I bet it's involved in other friendships as well, & would make it hard to 'walk away'
    As Dominee wishes for herself, so I wish for her!

  10. Tracy Makara
    May 23, 2012 / 4:34 pm

    Dominee, I cried as I read your post because I can relate to it so much. The past few years have seen a lot of headway in this area of my life. At first I felt so bad about walking away from people even when I knew that I should. It isn't a big issue for me anymore even though I still feel tugs now and then, but I do remember how hard it was to learn how to respect myself enough to know when it's best to let go. As you wish for yourself, I wish for you also. 

  11. Diana Bukowski
    May 24, 2012 / 1:10 am

    As you wish for yourself, so too do I wish for you.  Walking away to take care of yourself should leave you with no guilt.  Be kind to yourself.

  12. anna
    May 24, 2012 / 2:57 am

    As you wish for yourself, I wish for you also

  13. Sunfire
    May 24, 2012 / 6:55 am

    As you wish for yourself, so I wish for you as well.

  14. sabrinass
    May 28, 2012 / 7:44 pm

    Hi Dominee,
    You really spoke to my heart. It's so hard to fin the right boundaries with people. Getting rid of this feeling of guilt and not feel abandoned every time someone walks out are the 2 most difficult things I struggled with. 
    As you wish for yourself, I wish for you too.
    Cheers from France.
    Sabrina S. (from writingforabetterlife.blogspot.com)

  15. Fay28
    July 5, 2012 / 12:50 am

    Dominee..thank you for this post.. I have had abandonment issues myself.. many moments of feeling lost and alone.  Always yearning for real love.  As I wish for myself..I wish for you, Dominee..Blessed Be!

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