I’ve been pretty open about my past. I was not a good person. I was a liar and a manipulator. It wasn’t always on purpose, but often I’d exaggerate to get attention. I was depressed all of the time. I was mean and hateful to myself and others. All of these behaviors were hiding a lot of pain and a lot of depression and an overwhelming feeling of helplessness to change my situation.
I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of.
I have abused my body. I have verbally and mentally abused the people around me. I’ve had anger issues out the wazoo. I have wasted years of my life by living a life that was not nourishing to me. There are so many times that I look back at my life and I regret the way I spent them in misery.
I talk a lot of talk about loving yourself and about loving exactly who you are. It’s important. It was the thing that was missing for me during that dark period of my life. Loving all of you actually means loving all of you, past, present, and future. That’s something that I struggled with and I didn’t even realize it until now.
How do you love someone like that?
I usually tell PastDominee’s story and then promptly stuff her back in the closet once she has taught the lesson of the cost of living life without self-love. She’s like one of those skeletons in biology class that are pulled out for the day. It never occurred to me to love her. Or that there was anything about her that was worth loving. She was an obstacle to get over in the quest of truly loving myself. Not part of the journey. It became normal to dislike her, to despise her, and see her as nothing but a cautionary tale of how not to be.
I was explaining to a new friend the idea behind Blessing Manifesting and my journey to get where I am. They said something very poignant to me. “I wouldn’t have liked you. I’m glad you’re not that person anymore.” That comment rubbed me the wrong way. Part of me immediately wanted to protest.
I am that person. She’s still part of me.
If that thought was true, that she was still part of me, and I disliked her, was I truly loving my whole self? That thought stuck with me for a few days, rattling around in my head. I started to pull PastDominee out of the closet and examine her closely. How did I really feel about her? Somewhere along the way I’d stopped being compassionate and started being judgmental and critical.
I realized that I do love her.
Which is the only thing she ever really wanted. I don’t agree with her actions. I am sad that it took her so long to find the will to change, I’m even a little resentful of the things that she lost along the way. Still, at the end of the day, she wasn’t too much different from who I am now. The core is the same.
I love her because no matter how long it took her to change, change she did. She did it.
I love her because even though she hated everything about herself she eventually found a way to love it.
I love her because no matter how hopeless she was, she never gave up on herself or life. Even though there were days it was so hard for her to keep going.
I love her because her experience turned into a story of a beautiful transformation.
If you have a past you aren’t proud of, don’t write off the past you as worthless. She brought you to where you are today. She made sure that you survived.