When I created my workbook on grief I think it had been a little over a year since my mom had died. I had spent so long working on my mental health and learning coping skills but none of those things had touched on grief because it wasn’t something I’d ever experienced. But having all of those tools really helped me process my grief in a healthy way.
There was a layer of self-awareness that I had through the whole process that allowed me to check in with myself and ask myself what I need. In a strange way, I felt very supported through a lot of my feelings just by the tools I already had. There were tough days, there were really tough days, but I got through it, and more than that – I got through it in a healthy way.
It’s been almost three and a half years since my mom passed away.
Over the last few months, I’ve reached a different level of grief.
It’s not really painful, I don’t shy away from it, it’s soft, and love-filled, and a little bittersweet. In the beginning, I’d get that pang of heartache and I’d shy away from thinking about her or talking about her.
I found my mom’s Pinterest board of recipes and was so excited to recreate the pasta salad she always made for me and it was delicious.
I found a video where I could hear her voice and hearing her felt so familiar but so alien at the same time and I was a little sad that her voice sounded so strange to me, but also really happy that I got to hear it.
And a few weeks ago a Facebook memory popped up where she said she loved me and that I always made her laugh and that gave me a smile more than a pang.
This level of grief doesn’t hurt anymore. It aches. It’s still sad. But it doesn’t feel the way it used to. I’m so thankful that I can think of her and feel happy.
Grief is weird and it’s a journey.