What Are Your Low-Key Toxic Traits?

I’m a Hufflepuff. If you’re not into Harry Potter, Hufflepuff is the house that values patience and loyalty. Patience and loyalty are awesome traits unless they’re rooted in unresolved trauma and fear of abandonment combined with poor boundaries. Hello. That’s me. My loyalty, which makes me a kick-ass friend who will stand by your side no matter what – stems from an intense fear of abandonment. I fear abandonment so I over-compensate by not wanting to abandon anyone else. No matter what. Even when they hurt me, lie to me, take advantage of me – I will still be your friend. Let’s not even get into relationships – for three years I dealt with verbal and emotional abuse, cheating, lying, manipulation, gas-lighting, and being financially used and I stayed because loyalty. And patience? It’s endless. I am endlessly patient as I wait for you to change. Patient as I give…

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Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist

To celebrate the release of my newest workbook Self-Care for Breakups: Healing from Toxic, Abusive, and Codependent Relationships I want to share an excerpt from the section on relationships with narcissists and signs you’re dating a narcissist. Narcissism has become a hot button topic in the last few years. It also plays a part in many relationships, especially complicated and emotionally abusive ones. I want to touch on this subject because it’s so important to be able to recognize these signs so that your personal healing isn’t compromised. Narcissist: a person with an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others’ feelings, an inability to handle any criticism, and a sense of entitlement. Someone can be narcissistic due to a personality disorder, life circumstances, upbringing, addiction, or personal trauma. They are selfish in a way that looking back seems obvious but while you’re in that kind of relationship it can seem…

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Saying No: An Act of Self-Love

One of the foundations of self-love: Boundaries. Your ability to say “no” to people is often an indicator of how well you’re loving yourself. If you are constantly saying yes to people and situations that you want to say “no” to you end up being exhausted, burnt out, and with little time for yourself and for self-care. When I first created my Self-Love Planner (years ago!) one of the things I noticed right away was how much time I spent doing things that I didn’t want to do. At that time of my life, I was still an introvert in denial. I tried to be that extroverted person who went out and had friends and I was absolutely miserable. And still, I said yes. It’s okay to say “no”. No, when you don’t want to do something. No, when someone makes you uncomfortable and treats you in a way you…

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The Secret to Fixing Other People

The secret to fixing other people is that you can’t. You probably already knew that. It doesn’t stop you from wanting to fix people. To see what they’re doing wrong, to swoop in and save them from themselves. Raise your hand if you’ve wished with your whole heart that you could take away someone else’s pain. It’s so hard to watch them struggle, especially if you’re empathic like I am. Their pain affects you almost as if it were your own and you hurt for them. A long time ago I had a friend that struggled with drug use. She had been clean for a few years when she relapsed. I remember when she told me and those feelings that flooded me. My heart opened to her, to her pain and her disappoint and I wanted to jump into fixer mode. I wanted to say: “Do this and this and…

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